want a taste of an OCD obsession?

Here's a scene where my main character Neely is obsessing about going to hell:

Sophie sat on the loveseat, listening to TobyMac rapping about Jesus while chatting online and flipping casually through an Anthropologie catalog. “This stuff is so cute,” she said to me, without looking up, “but everything is so expensive! Still, I want it all.”
“Mmm,” I said, but my heart was racing. My head was swirling with thoughts of hell and condemnation, but the one thing that was particularly striking to me was the fact that I knew I would be enjoying these TobyMac songs more if I just knew that I had Jesus, that Jesus had me. The way it was, I could not thoroughly enjoy the music, and that made me feel bitterness that made my tongue swell in my mouth, and that made me want to cry. I could enjoy everything—everything!—if only I knew that I were saved, that I had a reason to live.
Sophie hummed under her breath, and I stared at my laptop screen without really seeing anything there. Okay, think about this critically. The verses say that whoever speaks a word against the Holy Spirit is guilty of an eternal sin—whoever speaks a word! I haven’t technically spoken anything, so that should make me okay, right? But then again, Scripture also says that if a person looks a woman lustfully, he’s already committed adultery with her in his heart. So then, it doesn’t matter whether or not you actually do something—even the thought is condemning.
My stomach tightened, and I felt my gag reflex kicking in as I started to retch. Softly though, so Sophie wouldn’t notice. But God is very much about our intentions, I thought, and I don’t ever mean to say or think anything against the Holy Spirit. I don’t want those thoughts. They just attack me.
So maybe I’m not accountable for them. They’re considered “words spoken by OCD,” not “words spoken by Neely Richter.” And, of course, they’re never technically spoken. There’s always that. Hold onto that.
I shifted my position on the couch. “Aren’t these adorable?” Sophie asked, handing me her catalog, folded over onto a page of dishes. “The bowls in the corner? With the sparrows?” I looked at the photograph.
“Super cute,” I agreed and handed it back to her. Bowls with printed sparrows, I thought. I would enjoy those. Those would make me happy—if I only had Jesus. If I had Jesus and had hope, then I would enjoy everything. It would make me happy just to sit on this couch. The texture of this couch cushion would make me happy. But only with Jesus. Nothing matters with Him. I have no future. Only empty days until eternal damnation.
My heart began to hiccup in my chest as I fought off my gagging. I knew I wouldn’t throw up—the Propranolol incident had been extreme and isolated. Maybe this is all just silly. Maybe Jesus is looking down on me right now, smiling with love, going, “Oh that Neely is at it again.” My heart literally ached—it felt like heartburn. That along with my gagging and tight stomach, and I was a complete wreck on the couch. Maybe He is thinking that. Oh God, please be thinking that! I need you to love me. I can’t live without your love.
I got up quickly and walked to the bathroom. Since the tears were already coming out at the corners of my eyes, I turned on the fan to cover up the noise of my crying, then sat down on the edge of the bathtub and let myself go. Oh God … God!! I can’t do this! I really can’t do this. I pictured my prayers rising up like tiny birds that would crash into the ceiling, unable to go any further, unable to reach any celestial ear. I really can’t do this! God, I need You to hear me. You have to hear me. I will go crazy without you!
I felt crazy. I felt like that trilling alarm clock in my poem “Terror.” High-pitched, unremitting, frenetic. I bounced my foot against the floor to release some energy. I was literally going crazy. How many times had I thought I was going crazy, and tonight it was really happening? There was no way out. Things would never be okay again. I would always, always have hell hanging over me, an ugly promise, no future.
Lots of people are going to hell … who never worry about it like this. I would be the person who completely loves Jesus who is shut out of heaven by a technicality. I pictured myself at Christ’s feet. I would fall at His feet and weep there. Surely He would know my good intentions, my heart? Scripture says that a good tree will have good fruit. I have good fruit, don’t I? It also says that men will have to give account for every careless word they’ve spoken. Careless words … that doesn’t seem to take into account the intent behind it. Careless words are just that. I squeezed my fists into tight balls, my fingernails pressing hard into my palms.
But then again … careless words they’ve spoken. I never spoke them. Only thought them. My out. It’s my out.
For tonight that would have to be enough. I couldn’t sit in condemnation and wait there. I had to believe there was a loophole. This was my loophole. Looking at myself in the mirror, I sighed. My face was pale as always but splotchy with red, and my eyes were bloodshot and puffy. I ran some water in the faucet and washed my face. I brushed my teeth. When I opened the door, I called down the hall to Sophie, “I’m going to bed!” in what I hoped was a cheerful enough tone.
“Come here,” she said. “I want to show you these curtains first, okay?”
I sighed. “Yep, just a sec.” I ducked back into the bathroom and checked my eyes. They were still puffy, but I figured maybe I could just play that off as if I had rubbed them trying to get my mascara off or something.
I walked out to the livingroom again and sat down beside Sophie, who wasn’t fooled for an instant. She gave me a look of horror and said, “Neels, what’s wrong?”
It felt silly, old, redundant, monotonous to say it again. I couldn’t even form the words.
“Hell?” she asked. I nodded. She sighed. “Neely, I will say it again and again until you actually hear me: people who love Jesus do not go to hell.”
I loved hearing the words; they were like running a burned finger under cold water. But as soon as she was done speaking, it was as if the faucet were turned off, and the burn surged with pain again. “They don’t?” I said. I was goading her, trying to make her turn the tap back on.
“No,” she said, and there was the moment of relief again. Just a moment.
“I haven’t actually spoken a word against the Holy Spirit,” I said.
She sighed, and I could tell that she felt I wasn’t really taking in anything she was saying. “Of course not, Neely. Gosh, this is worse than the whole Matt thing.”
Matt. My heart bellowed in my chest. Matt would make things right. He made everything right. He balanced out my world.
“It will be okay,” I said, just to end the conversation. “I’m going to bed. I’m tired.” She nodded. I rushed to my room and texted Matt immediately: “Hey, how are you?” Anything to get him talking.
I fell asleep waiting for the response that never came.

some more travel reads

Currently re-reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by my beloved C.S. Lewis. I have recently realized that I read The Chronicles of Narnia the way that you eat potato chips while watching TV. You don't even know that you keep putting them in your mouth. Your hand just keeps reaching for them.

That is not to say that I don't appreciate them. Not at all. I'm trying to say that they are such good old friends that I turn to them without much thought.





Also currently reading The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman. I like it so far! It's about a boy named Nobody (nicknamed Bod) who lives in a graveyard. Okay, that's not a lot of detail, I know ... but I'll tell you more about it when I've finished!









I recently swept through The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster for the very first time. It was wild and wonderful, like a trip through the senses. It was a clever and tongue-in-cheek children's story, but one that I think is probably going to be appreciated moreso by adults, who will catch more of the humor.

It reminded me of a funny version of The Natural History of the Senses by Diane Ackerman. Both books wake you up to words, sounds, smells. Go read this one right away!





Also currently re-reading Out of the Silent Planet by C.S. Lewis, the first book in his space trilogy. Dr. Ransom is abducted and taken aboard a spacecraft to the planet Malacandra. I read this book and can't quit thinking of how brilliant Jack Lewis is. I know I say that all the time, but ...









Re-read The Magician's Nephew by C.S. Lewis, the first book in the Narnia series (chronologically, that is!) about the creation of Narnia. One of my favorite books in my favorite series.











To satisfy the 15-year-old girl in me, I read The Boyfriend List by E. Lockhart. The main character Ruby makes even boy-crazy me look tame! The book details Ruby's conversations with her "shrink" as they move systematically through a list of Ruby's boyfriends. Believe it or not, it was actually pretty good! Probably too many boys involved (is that really me talking???), but a fun read. I think I'll read the other books in the series.







Couldn't help myself ... re-read Deathly Hallows one more time. That makes it 2.5 times through this book in the last short while. I'm out of control. I can't wait for the HP7 movie to come out later this month, and my co-worker Josh is STILL getting through this book (nearing the end finally!), and I actually kind of want to read it again, at least the battle of Hogwarts stuff. Something is wrong with me.








Also read Al Capone Does My Shirts by Gennifer Choldenko, which was a fun YA lit read set back in the time when Alcatraz still had prisoners. The main character Moose's family lives on the island, and the story deals with his transition to living there and his family's experience with his sister Natalie, an autistic young lady in a time before autism was discovered. Good read!

more travel season reads

Travel season means lots of time spent in my car, which means lots of hours of audiobooks!


Is anyone here really surprised that my favorite reads of the last couple weeks are both written by the incredible C.S. Lewis?

Yesterday I read The Great Divorce, and it was really stunning. A fictitious view of the limbo between heaven and hell and the choices people make there. While reading this one, I was once again struck by that same old thought of how delightfully brilliant Jack Lewis is, and I wish that I could think the way he did. I loved this book, once I got into the flow of it. It's very dialogue-based with very little description (hey, sounds like a book by me!), so I had to just drill in on the conversation, and once I did, I was walloped. I love you, Lewis.


I also zipped through The Last Battle again recently, listening to it while going on walks around South Dakota. For those of you who don't know, The Last Battle is very likely my favorite book (do you like how non-committal I am?). It's the seventh and final book of the Chronicles of Narnia, and it's the absolutely perfect way to conclude the series. I have one question about the theology of the book, but all in all, I adore this book. If you haven't read The Chronicles of Narnia before, what are you waiting for? You should be ashamed of yourself. :-)





Yesterday I finished The Adoration of Jenna Fox by Mary E. Pearson, a story about a girl who wakes up from a year-long coma with no memories of her family. That sounds interesting enough, but I was pleased to find that it actually took place in the future--something like 2086. It had lots of secrets and twists in it, and while I was somewhat dissatisfied with the ending, I appreciated the creativity in this book and all the bioethicial questions it brought up.






David Sedaris has a new book out! It's called Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, and it's not really like anything he's ever written before. It's a book of stories about animals but with that hilarious David Sedaris kick to them all. I zipped through this book, and it was good, but it made me really miss Sedaris's laugh-out-loud memoirs. If you could do with a little irreverance and a lot of laughter, go read Me Talk Pretty One Day or Holidays on Ice. Or, well, really anything written by him. He's a comic genius.







I was especially intrigued by Newes from the Dead by Mary Hooper because it is based on a TRUE STORY about a girl named Anne who was hanged but then "came alive" on the dissection table. Um ... yeah. I had to give this one a go. Not the greatest writing, but still very, very interesting ...








Finally, I also just read Damage by A.M. Jenkins, a story about a popular kid with depression. It was ... depressing. But a good description of what it feels like to suffer from depression. I suppose if I were going to give a recommendation for a "good depression story" (sounds like an oxymoron, but really, it's not), I'd suggest that people read Ordinary People by Minnesota's own Judith Guest.

BILLY COLLINS TOMORROW!

I get to see/hear/meet my favorite poet Billy Collins!!!

The man is absolutely brilliant, and I can't even think of what I will say to him when I ask him to sign my book.

What would YOU say if you met your favorite writer?

Steve Hely, the author of the novel How I Became a Famous Novelist, used to be a writer for the David Letterman Show, and honestly, this book is just power-packed with hilarity. It's seriously like every sentence is funny. He reminds me of Anne Lamott, or even moreso, David Sedaris, both of whom can make me laugh outloud.

This book is about a lazy bum named Pete who decides to write a famous novel to upstage his ex-girlfriend at her wedding.

If you are a writer, you will especially enjoy this book as Hely completely lambasts writerly cliches.

I also read The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury this week. Interesting loosely interconnected stories about space travels to Mars. I wanted to love it, and while I enjoyed it, The Martian Chronicles had a difficult time holding my attention. In my opinion, if you want the ultimate book-reading adventure in space travel, you need to turn to good ol' Jack ...

C.S. Lewis' space trilogy-- Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, and That Hideous Strength-- are absolutely incredible.

OOSP will make you think. Perelandra will explode your brain (it has been something like four years since I first read it, and I think I am only now ready to re-read it). THS, my favorite of the trilogy but also the hardest to get into, will make your mind whirr and take a second look at "progressiveness."

These books tell the story of Dr. Ransom, a philologist who travels to Mars and Venus, and what he finds there. The third book takes place on Earth. These are theological sci-fi books and incredibly brilliant.

Brilliant. Oh Jack Lewis, I love you.

travel = audiobook time

Look Again by Lisa Scottoline ... it was like a grown-up version of The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline B. Cooney. :-) I really liked it!

Ellen has an adopted son, three-year-old Will. Then one day she sees his face on a missing child flyer. What would you do?

Favorite quote from TFOTMC: "The kiss was long. And serious. Serious like my hair, thought Janie."

Hahahaha!

I also read Here on Earth by Alice Hoffman, selected for Oprah's Book Club. It started off like a modern Wuthering Heights ... soap-opera-ish passion. Then it dissolved into straight-up adultery. And it wasn't even awesome writing. Waste of my time, Oprah. Thanks.

writing hiatus

Sometimes I don't write because I have writer's block. Sometimes I don't write because things just need to sit and stew a while.

That's how I feel right now. I'm reading a ton, and I can feel the words brewing inside of me, gaining strength. One of these days I am going to sit down on the computer, and the words are going to fly out of me like sweet sparrows.

In the words of Zusak, "Trust me, though, the words were on their way, and when they arrived, Liesel would hold them in her hands like the clouds, and she would wring them out like rain."